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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!