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I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
is clapping his hands and stomping his feet because he is happy and he knows it.
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!