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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...