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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.