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I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.