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Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, I’m going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.