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I can`t tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela`s funeral?
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.