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To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
Money can buy imitation happiness. Iām cool with that.
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks