Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.