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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.