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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.