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i joined new gym yesterday. i did 3 sets of selfies on each machine
We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic