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Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie