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FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.