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"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...