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Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!