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We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
I have Beer.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.