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Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
I was feeling down...then all of a sudden I felt myself up. Win, win situation! ;)
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
Don`t get out of bed, it`s a trap.
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?