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You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-