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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
Velcro, what a rip-off!
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.