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All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
I`m done with tucking in shirts. Too many people complaining I`m invading their "personal space." LOL
Be good ... or I will text Santa
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
The less you know, the more you think you do.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.