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You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.