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Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.