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*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...