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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.