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I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.