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When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!