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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
i like boobs
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...