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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.