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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.