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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
You should have been a chicken and just went home.
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.