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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.