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My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
I`m a Leader not a follower. Unless it`s a dark place...then you`re going first!
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
WikiHow suggested 9 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day.... I did all by ?#? SLEEPING?the whole day! How???? I smoked less, used water/power less etc. Wikiwikiwiki!!!!!
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.