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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
Someday, somewhere, somehow I’m going to do something.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.