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Ha = I didn`t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
You girls are lucky, tampons are changing the end from a string to a bit of tinsel but its only for the Christmas period
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
cuss words = sentence enhancers
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.