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Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
"..::. :.:.. ::...: .:. :.:: ::.: ..::. :: ::.:..." - Stevie Wonder-
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
People in glass houses shouldn`t masturbate during the day....
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.