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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?