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Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I have Beer.
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`