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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.