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Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.