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you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
is having some serious PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome!
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Siri, where are my pants?
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
on a scale of 1-10 how honest are you? I would say 10 but then i would be lying!
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.