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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
With great power comes great electricity bill.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.