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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Just read a book on quantum evolution. The idea is that quantum mechanics are involved in the process of evolution. I still say go to WalMart and then try to sell me on evolution....
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.