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I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
Technically, every picture is a before picture.