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My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.