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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
Trust me, you want me medicated!!
I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.