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Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.