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No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.