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I´m not cheap, but I am on special this week
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.