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Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm