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Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.