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At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
Honk if you want to see my finger.
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.