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Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.