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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
I flunked anger management class.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
My memory foam has amnesia
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.