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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.