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Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
You are wasting your time reading this status.
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.