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Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.