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Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.