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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.