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I put the o in illiterate!
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.