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I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks I should skip work tomorrow.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.