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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
Just dropped off some film to be processed. More on this story as it develops.
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
You should NEVER say and I mean NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she`s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at the moment.. :|
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.