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I drink to make other people interesting
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
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I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.