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Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers