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Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.