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The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?