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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
This beer tastes like Iām going to text you later.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.
Whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there.