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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
I know there are some people we say were dropped on their heads as babies. But there are others that were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.
H.A.T.E.R.S. : Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success?
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.