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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
Panick, chaos, anarchy... my work here is done.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.