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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.