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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
An awkward morning beats a boring night.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to