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The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
Line forms here for spankings
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.