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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.