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If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal