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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
Cashiers are always checking me out.
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
First Ebola case in USA , and the Walking Dead starts next week... brb gonna go buy a crossbow.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.