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Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
If one goes to online college, do they have to haze them self?
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
Your giving me the silent treatment??? FKN FINALLY!!
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.