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Why do TV shows say "May contain nudity"? It either does or doesn`t. Don`t make me watch the entire thing and find out the hard way it doesn`t....
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?