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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Groundhog Day, Just walked outside and saw my shadow, It`s now official, Six more weeks of dieting :/
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..