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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.