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When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window