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Was sitting and doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
Little to no thought was put into this status.
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.