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A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.