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"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible