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30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he`s adopted.
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.