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To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.