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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I love using my GPS, problem is I can`t find it.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?