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*licks finger, holds it up in the air* ah yes, just as I suspected. wind.
Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
In life you will meet all sorts of people, happy, moody, shy, loud, weird, and then there`s me So deal with it mmuhaaaaaaaahaaahaaaa that`s right !