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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
This patience thing takes forever.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...