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If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
Today`s Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bullsh*t.
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.