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I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
It´s never to late to be happy
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.