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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.