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The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
condoms prevent minivans
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
List of the most populated places in the world - 1. China 2. India 3. Friend Zone 4. United States 5. Indonesia
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
You`re single? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Yea me too.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her