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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.