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when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
You`re only young once but you can be immature forever!
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......