Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.