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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day ... Palm Sunday is just around the corner
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.