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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.