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Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.