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Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it