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Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
The older the Facebook post, the creepier your “like” becomes.
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.