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Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic