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I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.