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It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
I can`t be trusted with your alphabet magnets.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
Does running out of money count as exercise?