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When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.