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When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
Iām convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?