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"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
My goal today is to turn actions into thoughts.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!