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We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.