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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don`t read this until the appropriate day)
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
There`s no WE in pizza.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.