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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....