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I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
My mom says I`m special.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?