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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?