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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
I just blew all my party money on bills again
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.