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Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
word of the day: nincomtard
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn`t hear you the first 100 times.
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
Bless me Father for I hit send.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.