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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.