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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
Are you guys sure common sense can`t be beaten into people ? Because I`d like to give it try!
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?