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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
Your so vain...you probably think this post is about you
Going to: ? Paris ? New York ? London ? KITCHEN... I`m hungry
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
I`m starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.