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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."