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We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.