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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
One trenta cheeseburger please.
With the promise of Free Drinks or Food, Iām willing to go pretty much anywhere.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day ... Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!