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To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.