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I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?