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I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
I believe in equality. If we have five days of work, then we should have five day weekends as well.
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.