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Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…