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OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can`t stop calling the addiction hotline....
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.