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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
Why do TV shows say "May contain nudity"? It either does or doesn`t. Don`t make me watch the entire thing and find out the hard way it doesn`t....
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.