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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
I don`t know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.