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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.