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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?