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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me outโฆ.
Ok honey donโt freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didnโt do the dishes.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Apparently, when asked by a Traffic Cop "Where you going in such a hurry?", "To your sister`s house!" is not considered respectful to a law enforcement official......
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
Sรถ รฎ hรจรฃrd รฟรดu lรฌkรช gรนรฟลก with รกcรงeรฑts?
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.