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Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there