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What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
I don`t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.