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is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..