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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
The police never think its as funny as I do.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.