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Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…