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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
I want to start a womans magazine called "Period". ..then every few months I`ll send it out late JUST to freak them out. ;)
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.