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Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
As I was signing into my email account instead of yahoo.com I typed hayoo.com...nope, it wasn`t right but I got to thinking it would be quite appropriate, afterall, we`re trying to get someone`s attention, right?
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 thumbs up we`ll try anal. So please don`t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.