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Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
´s status message is better than yours
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
H.A.T.E.R.S. : Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success?
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.