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It would be cool if you heard a thunder bug a few seconds after you saw a lightning bug.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.