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People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.