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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.