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Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....