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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.