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Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
I need more people like me in my life
Is Nudeism a religion?
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."