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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.