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If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
If I was on drugs, this post would be amazing.
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Bad decisions make good stories.