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Chuck-E-Cheese, because it`s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling..
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.