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Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.