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You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have sā¬x.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that Iād have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time