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It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
Seriousley.. The cuntestents in the 2013 speling beee contast hafe too now no the meening of the werd thay hafe been axed too spell. I coud rock that contast so eesy :))))) eg. The meening of "Easy". Anser: a kids oven