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Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.