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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
More food should come with prizes inside it.
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
I grew up for this?
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.