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Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!