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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
I need new swear words.
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
I love using my GPS, problem is I can`t find it.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol