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"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??