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If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
Eww!!! Beer does NOT taste good on Cocoa Puffs! ..I`m switching back to my Fruit Loops! ;)
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.