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It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.