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When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
’Friday’ is my second favourite word starting from the letter `F`. :)
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
Yes, I used to "dance like no one is watching"; at least until Google Earth sent me a certificate for ten free lessons.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.