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I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.