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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time