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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.