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What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
My head has that drunk on cheap alcohol feel without me getting to actually drink the alcohol :(
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.