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I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.