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Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.