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Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"