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I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day ... Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
lol I rotfl
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"