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Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
Iām not a biologist but Iām pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Facebook - the place where you can whine and get likes for it...
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.