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I am creating the first ever "flavored windows". They should make some of you very happy.
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
This town is about as exciting as watching an M&M melt in the sun.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.