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i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.