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I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.