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Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Of course it`s you. If it was me I wouldn`t even bring it up.
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
The best thing about online classes is the beer.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
High fiving was the original "like".
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing