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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
Ah Friday...my second favorite "F" word!
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
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Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.