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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.